At first everything it was perfect. Small details, affection, communication and surprises. And when we realize the discussions are part of our routine and monotony takes over the couple. Unknowingly, we have fallen into the “typical relationship.” What does it consist of?
People say that anything goes in love and that each couple is different. And there are so many ways to love as people on the planet.
Love surrounds us. If we pay a little attention, almost all the songs are about love: breakups, platonic love, heartbreak, family love, love of friendship… And not just in music, also in movies, on the radio, in the news…
Many authors throughout history have tried to describe what love is, without finally agree. And it is that recent studies claim that love is composed of a series of chemical substances: endorphins, oxytocin, phenylethylamine, acetilona, endovalium, adrenaline and gonadotropins.
These substances are responsible for that silly nonsense smile that we put when the person we love is near. They cause that our motivation and mood rise up or we act strangely when we try to seduce with ridiculous gestures to our lover.
But it is strange to think that such a great feeling as love, a feeling that moves mountains and has changed the world is just be simply defined as a handful of atoms in motion. And we each have our own definition of love.
The problem comes when love ends. Or so they say. Is it possible that love is over?
Numerous studies claim that the state of amorousness lasts only between about 2-3 years. What happens after this stage? Many couples break up after this period, I’m sure you know many of them that suddenly they no longer felt in love or who said that “it is not like before.”
There are also those couples who still keep alive the flame, but the vast majority fall into the problem of “the typical relationship”. What is it?
What is a “typical relationship”?
The typical relationship is one in which the members, despite not being in love, is still with the partner by routine and accommodation.
This type of couples clings to memories, a sense of guilt, a misunderstood kindness, to a misconception of what is affection.
Sure you know many cases, and the problem is that it is more common than we think. What’s more, you probably had in mind a couple of acquaintances as you read this. Hence, the “typical” name because, generally, they are more common than “love relationships”.
How to detect that we live in a “typical relationship”?
Detecting that we live in these relationships is very important. Whether to try harder and try to overcome this ‘toxic relationship’, or to dissociate it and to find a love that truly fill us and allows us to feel full with ourselves.
Then, we will think about the most common practices that indicate that a relationship is sick and is going on, therefore, being a “loving relationship” to a “typical relationship.”
- Poor communication.
We feel that we no longer have enough confidence with that person to tell us what happens inside, we no longer have talking points, that our partner is not listening, do not understand us, or what is worse does not want to understand you.
Men is usually accused of being little expressive. On the other hand, a common problem in communicating women is hidden or stored items that bother them, something that has hurt them and do not dare to tell, but eventually will be forced to express.
The result of ineffective communication is that it will go away on both increasingly, until it reaches a time that is really late and there is no turning back.
- Discussions are daily.
All couples argue, that’s clear. The problem is not to discuss, the problem is the frequency at which we discussed, the reason, the tone and the solutions we offer to fix it.
John Gottman, scientist and professor emeritus at the University of Washington, created the “Love Lab”. After studying couples while they discussed he predicted with 95% accuracy if they stay together or separated in the next 15 years.
He divided 4 types of reactions that we have in partner in any discussion: defensive, critical, obstructionist and contemptuous. And it is the emotion of contempt which causes a greater number of separations.
- Lack of detail and complicity.
A very common feature in the “typical relations” is the lack of detail. One of the causes of the loss of love is to believe that your partner is sure that we love him/her and why we do not make displays of affection that prove it.
In these details we are not talking about expensive gifts, but rather to little things like surprises with flowers, leave a note on the bathroom mirror or on his/her lunch, burn a CD with his/her favourite songs, plan a romantic getaway, bring breakfast to bed … the possibilities are endless.
The lack of these details results in loss of complicity between them, which is a key of any couple.
- Sex is scarce in the relationship.
Sex is not only physical connection of the couple, but it is the element that represents the emotional part.
It is quite common that once spent time in the relative frequency with which we practice sex with your partner starts to fall. In addition, sexual monotony can wreak havoc on the couple.
A common aspect of the “typical relations” is that sex is low, monotonous or too cold, namely, little accomplice.
As you have seen the “typical relations” are more common than we think. Moreover, many people spend their lives living a relationship that does not satisfy them, that no fills them inside.
For these people the frustration and guilt are part of his life, and are not able to take action on the matter to solve it, since one of their main fears are the “stand alone” or not to find anyone.
When we feel this emptiness inside, one of the best methods to achieve inner peace is through music that transforms our soul, or reading books that help us to organize our thoughts and clarify our ideas.
After Death and Adventures of the mystic are two recommended books featuring characters that live all these experiences of love. Its pages are full of wisdom and great reflections on love.
